After watching an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims’ Unit (Season 12 Episode 22) in which Full House star John Stamos, known for his role as Uncle Jessie, guest starred as a charming but manipulative reproductive abuser (honestly, he did a great job portraying a monster although he is always known for playing wholesome characters as mentioned in this online article) , I decided get blogging about the issue of reproductive abuse (sometimes known as reproductive coercion) after catching up with my weekly dose of Benson and Stabler.
In case you have not come across the term ‘reproductive abuse’, you must be wondering what it is. Reproductive abuse or reproductive coercion would be simply defined as getting a woman pregnant against her will. As a blogger, I understand that you would define it is as rape or sexual abuse and I say you are right. However, reproductive abuse can seen as a way for the abuser (the man) to use pregnancy to control his victim (wife or girlfriend). Then again, what if I tell you that reproductive abuse does not always involved forcing a woman to have unprotected sexual intercourse against her will? Reproductive abuse can also involve the abuser sabotaging contraception (such as poking holes into condoms, flushing birth control pills down the toilet or replacing birth control pills with sugar pills without the woman’s knowledge). Secondly, reproductive abuse does not always involve threatening or beating up a woman into submission to have sex with the abuser alone. Reproductive abuse can sometimes involve some abusers sweet-talking and charming their way into the victims’ hearts with the evil intention of using pregnancy to control the female as well as wrecking her life when she least knows what is happening and later end up getting dumped when the abuser moves on to another victim. If you think that reproductive abuse happens only in fiction, think again. How about this perfect real-life example which has been in the British news for quite a while about a man called Keith Macdonald who would not only be classed as a reproductive abuser but also as a no-good opportunist taking advantage of government benefits which come straight from the taxpayers’ pockets as mentioned in the Daily Mail article (Honestly, this chap needs to get off his butt, stop claiming benefits and start working so that British taxpayers won’t have to fork out their hard earned cash for him. Secondly, he should be sterilised so that he will not leave a trail of heartbreak and suffering). Keith Macdonald, you know who are, you are one selfish and good-for-nothing person giving good British men (and men around the world) a bad name. By the way here is a recent article about Macdonald as reported in April 2011.
Before you start passing judgement on my writing, I am not trying to imply that pregnancy is a monstrosity. It is reproductive abusers that are the real monsters. They are the ones who deliberately ruin their women’s lives and let innocent children (who do not choose to be conceived through reproductive abuse) suffer all thanks to their selfish and abusive nature(who should not be called fathers to begin with). Therefore, I believe laws need to be amended to not only recognise how damaging is reproductive abuse or coercion but also mete out harsh sentences on reproductive abusers. Lastly, I believe women and girls need to be educated about the issue of reproductive abuse.
What says you about the issue of reproductiver abusers? Do you believe that it is an issue that everyone needs to open their eyes to? Do you think the law needs to get tough on such men? Opinions are welcomed (but no profanity please!)
whatsaysyou 
By now we all know that abuse comes in many different forms, not just physical. I remember watching this episode a while back and thinking the same way as you. I also immediately think of the Duggar family. Are you familiar with them? They have 10 kids and counting and hide behind religion to justify their actions. The mother almost died during last birth and so did the child, she had to be delivered prematurely and is now having a lot of health issues. I watched one interview that was done in hospital during this whole ordeal and she said that she’s okay with having more kids if that is what God and her husband want. I can’t stop shaking my head. I don’t know if I just somehow become too independent as woman? Or I’m not the only one who thinks that she is in some type of abusive marriage? Because she looks happy(creepily happy) and all smiles and very submissive with her husband’s wishes. Honestly, getting pregnant once a year doesn’t makes me happy.
Correction, they have 19 kids, not 10.
I find 19 a bit too excessive as well. Even Queen Victoria ‘only’ had 9 back in the day.
I guess any form of deceit or betrayal is bad. This is the first I have heard of reproductive abuse. Thanks for enlightening me on this issue.
You are welcome and yes, if you would like to know more about reproductive abuse, just go on Google to check out more.
What is disturbing is the focus on men as reproductive abusers. As if women never lie about being users of birth control?
If there is such a thing as reproductive abuse then it clearly goes both ways. And in a way the man could be victimized more because he can not know about a pregnancy and has little say about adoption.
A man doesn’t have to carry a child to term, it’s definitely not equal.
But the man has to pay till child is 18!!!
Just a question? Is it still reproductive abuse if a woman sabotages the birth control or lies about being on birth control?
Good question. I am just a blogger here but from the question you are asking, I think that would count as reproductive abuse. But my advice to you is, go and ask a relationship/reproductive abuse expert who can answer your questions.
Absolutely yes it is! Under no circumstances are men the only reproductive abusers. Frankly, I think, as a society, men are often seen as evil much more often than women for doing pretty much the same thing. if a man pops a hole in a condom it is the same thing as a woman saying she is on birth control and not taking it.
What a slanted world
A married couple gets called out for having a healthy productive family(large family but legal)
I met the love of my life me had a child and ran into problems our relationship ended in stress (turns out she developed bi-polar I didn’t know and she didn’t understand until too late) Later I go out with someone from high school who wanted security via a kid when that didn’t work she left me with the kid I raised them both ..here’s the twist I met a public health nurse that ended up a nightmare she was already married he was in prison I had no idea of any of this! I was in practice of using a condom at this time but she tells me she as at that point in her cycle she cant get pregnant “I don’t need a condom she says .I think she knows her stuff shes a public health nurse!
I have second thoughts and as I go to withdraw she wraps herself around me later she tries to say I am one of these monsters that abuse woman!
I ended up with 50% timeshare because the courts say she has anger issue…This can work both ways! I love my girls they are not objects ,trophy’s or games.. folks I am a dedicated full time dad and I worry about another label that can be thrown around in the spin cycle.
Stop the MONSTERS ALL OF THEM! but lets not fry the guy or gal who has met a few wrong people.
I only planned on two kids but I LOVE them ALL and spend time with them provide for them and protect them.
Moms use kids too but with all the labels I see the courts are quick to go with mom but perseverance dedication and truth MAY set a falsely accused man free but not all ..
One bad man does not make all a bad man!
I love being a dad
I was a victim of a productive abuser. During our marriage we had 2 children, when I became pregant the 3rd time i had a miscarriage of twins, I had a d/c and had my tubes tied. Back in the 70’s and 80’s, a woman had to have permission of the husband to have her tubes tied. While I was in the hospital, he refused to sign the forms and I told him I would divorce him if he didn’t sign, so he signed. Long story short, I found out years later he has 9 children all over the eastern USA , our marriage lasted 20 years, after our divorce I learned he sexually abused our daughter. He is a pathetic soul. He has had at least (estimate) a hundred affrairs. I wished the law could do something about this type of person, I would report him immediately. He is still doing the same thing, different woman.I had plan to sabatoge his world, but my children are very worried of the backlash on me. He is very popular and well liked in his community. Perfect candidate for all hell to unleash on him.
There are 5 male reproductive abusers in the world. The worst offenders are women who tell men they are on the pill when they are not and then foot the men with child support bills.
Well…in my opinion, both man or woman, are equally as bad if they do this but, in the case of the woman, she gets to feel all the pregnancy issues herself, whereas man, can only sit and watch as the woman whom they abused pass through all of it.
I say this because I believe I am a victim of a reproductive abuser, although I doubt he has done this before. After he confessed what he had done (hoping for a sign of happiness in me) I just couldn’t believe how I felt. Yes, I knew that when you have sex you do have the possibility of getting pregnant but, if i would have know that he was actually not being careful as part of a plan, I would have broken up with him immediately and taken the pill. I guess I feel that my “say in the matter” was violated, not taken in account. It feels like I was raped in a way. And his explanation was that he did it because he knew he wasnt my type and that if I was pregnant I would consider him more. Really, really selfish and immature.
I agree with you Steven. I have known a few girls to get “accidentally” pregnant and I think it is equally disgraceful. This is not something you do to someone you love and respect. And if you don’t love and respect them, why have a child with them??? Selfish is not a strong enough word, but i don’t know what is.
Damn right.
Go away, a man can walk away. I am tired of hearing men complain about these mythological women. A woman who contrives to get pregnant without consulting her husband first is simply abusing herself, period. Men don’t have fetuses growing in their bodies, nor do they by and large get stuck with them for life. Get it straight.
If people chose to have children, that’s ok. But when someone tricks them, that is not ok. Kids are a lot of work.
Important topic. Thanks for making this form of abuse more known. Some women may not realize what’s going on when her partner tries to prevent her from using contraception.
Thanks, BroadBlogs
Interestingly, men have known about this for years. Women have used this behavior to manipulate men for a long time.
My friend’s husband is definately a reproductive abuser. First, he’s 14 years older than she is and he is a successful cardiologist. So money is no issue. She had a career in a law firm and planned to go to law school. BUT NOW….She is under some kind of spell. He says he wants children, 3 children because he grew up in a home with 3 kids. His family is perfect. He wants these kids RIGHT AWAY. SO she’s pregnant for the third time in 3 years.
She’s miserable, but she can’t talk to him. He’s a control freak. He insults and disregards her family. She does all the housework including taking out the trash while pregnant! It’s maddening because she used to be so strong!
I hope laws are created to protect women against this.
Hi there,
This happened to me about 10 years ago and it really messed me up. I always believed that the guy tried to get me pregnant but couldn’t prove it to myself because we always used condoms… It never really occurred to me that he would sabotage them. I found out after i was pregnant that he already had another child he had nothing to do with but he claimed she wouldn’t let him. I was 23 and we had only been together a couple of months and even before i found out i was pregnant he wanted to get married, he was very charming and I had recently had my heart broken so it was easy to be sucked in. Once I was pregnant, that was it, he had it all mapped out. It was tempting but something felt wrong. He had already shown a violent side that came out when i didn’t want to do everything just the way he thought I should, and it concerned me. So I booked in for a termination but didn’t know if I would keep the appointment. 2 weeks later when his father came to visit and he broke his hand punching a table in anger I just knew I didn’t want this man to be tied to me or any child of mine. So I kept the appointment. It was the hardest thing i have ever done. I was living on the other side of the country to my family and friends and this guy refused yo have anything to do with ‘killing his baby’ so I had to drive 3 hours to the town where the appointment was then get a new friend to drive me home. He called me all sorts of horrible things. He begged me to keep it, give him the child and I would never have to see it… As if! I never thought I would have a termination I always thought that no matter what I would keep it, and this choice has haunted me. I have had severe depression and anxiety, fallen into further destructive relationships and spent a lot of years not really living, just existing. Then finally I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease often triggered by pregnancy or stress that causes chronic fatigue like symptoms. Even without the child this whole experience changed my life beyond words, and there have been many times I wished i had just kept it. At least i would have had the joy of that child in my life. But then I remember all the reasons I didn’t…i will never know if I made the right choice but I believed at the time my child deserved better. And he did. Watching that episode of SVU and then reading article after article on here has really opened my eyes. I am now absolutely certain this man was a reproductive abuser, and somehow knowing that there is a name for it and that i wasn’t just conjuring in all up in my own head brings me a level of peace. I will always grieve for my baby but I can not undo what is done. I just have to live the best life I can, in his honor.
Sending prayers for you, my dear, to be able to forgive yourself, and begin healing. There are support groups for women who have had terminations. Search your local mental health centers, and if you choose, churches in your area. Godspeed.
This is really interesting. I am watching the episode now and was quite surprised to see John Stamos playing such a creepy part. I have never, ever heard the term, “reproductive abuser.” When Det. Benson said it, I had to rewind, lol. It’s amazing how many forms of manipulation there are. Not only is rape about power and control, now, this reproductive abuse is about women being coerced into having a child that they may or may not want. Wow! This episode is definitely one for the books.
Reproductive abuse is actually defined as typing superficial and unsubstantiated claims about a made-up crime or activity and then passing off your opinions as fact by putting them in a toilet, a word which here means “blog.”
“Reduce Internet pollution-hack blogger sites.”. -Anonymous
I’ve watched the episode before and the rerun so happens to be on now so I decided to google the term “Reproductive Abuser.” By the definition of it on this site, I’m a victim, sadly. I can’t blame my baby’s father 100% for me becoming pregnant because I was there as well when it happened, but he has admitted to me a few times times that he purposely done it. I believe he probably done the same thing to this first baby momma. He knew I didn’t want and wasn’t ready for children, but I guess that’s how he wanted to try to control things. He’s everything that’s described in the passage, and now he has a “new girlfriend,” and our baby is only nine months old. I feel like he’s put a big dent in my life because he knew
that I was trying to finish nursing school. I know that my life isn’t over, but now I’m responsible for someone elses life
Good luck anonymous, I hope you survive parenting and finish nursing schools- you are brave- you mind want to send a post card to his new girlfriend with a heads up, having a baby is no joke, as I am sure you know!
My ex husband, had 2 wives before me. First he got pregnant and asked her to marry him. 6 months after the child was born, he left mother and child standing in a grocery store as he drove to wife number 2 whose 2 children he adopted. She later divorced him after physical abuse and child and family services got involved. When he met me, he pulled the “she was crazy” comment and I bought it. He asked me to marry him 3 months after we met, adopted my daughter and we had our own child together. He then refused to pay child support for the first 3 children and talked their mothers into having them adopted by other fathers. The physical and emotional abuse escalated and I left him. He is now 50 and just reversed his vasectomy and had his 50 year old wife artificially inseminated . They just gave birth to twins. My children suffered physical abuse at his hands and at his new wife’s hands.
This all said, my 18 and 21 years olds have had their college funds raided by the man and their lives destroyed by his non-stop controlling behavior. What can we legally do to make such people pay? And as the abuse continues until this day what can be done to stop this type of person from abusing others?
I also just saw the l&o svu you are speaking of and I also went to the internet to check it out. I am not sure how I feel about proving this. And what about women that trap men? Both of these issues are extremely hard to prove so I’m not sure how I feel about makingthese two issuses a crime. But I do think more women should be made aware. I also run condoms under the faucet. Make sure there is no leak. If there is get the day after pill. End of story, CYA I always say.
Watching tha law&order episode an i think that they should jail its rape because every woman is not ment to b a parent…It should b a choice not a force…
wow..after reading this i so had to leave a commit..I am a victim of a reproductive abuser..my ex bf….he wasnt sleeping around with woman while we were dating but he got his ex pregnant..then myself and the next woman months after we broke up..he wasnt flushing pills or poking holes..he was simply just taking the condoms off and pretending to put one on…while i wasnt tring to get preg..and im not with my sons “sperm donor” i love my son and seeing his cute every morning
Well, since these kids “ruined” your life, and you’re a woman, you can basically dispose of the kid however you want and not have to worry about spending any time in jail. Apparently, killing a baby, isn’t as bad as doing drugs. Especially, if you’re a woman, you’re not doing significant jail time. Woman don’t get the death penalty or life in prison because society looks at them as always being the victim. They can drown their kids in a lake and be out in 2 years. What a great system. Maybe when this stops there will be equality. Why are there no protests to make women 18-35 years old draft eligible? And I bet if there was equal pay women would still want free(as in out of taxpayers pockets) birth control. Even in this case, where females are the main perpetrators the media and society try to make it seem like its mostly males doing this.
That’s crazy!! I just watched the same episode and had never heard of it, I googled it and it brought me to u.. It makes alot of sense. My x wife has a child from a deadbeat, she told me how he hid her birth controll pills and would say things like “u would loom good pregnant” her being an avid boozer it was easy for him to get her at a week time..I’m not saying she’s in the clear or anything, but from what I’ve read he fits the profile.. He has other kids from random acts of sex.. Very informative. I agree with u 100 percent. I don’t see who wouldn’t really.
Dam, couple spell check errors.. Sry
I saw that episode of Law & Order: SVU and I was quite literally sickened by the character’s behavior and the fact that people like that actually exist makes me feel even worse. I believe people need to be informed about men like this, because it’ll just keep turning lives upside down and inside out
my mother was a victim of a reproductive abuser by my father. he tricked my mother who then, was a graduate of BSN and was just about to take the license test. my mother didnt want to be with him anymore so he planned the whole thing, got my mom drunk and got her pregnant so that my mom would never leave him. he told that to my mom himself. but it turns out he was not responsible enough to have a child because he never owned up to his responsibility of a father. and at the same time my mother was pregnant he got another woman pregnant but he told her to “take care” of it.
years and years of my mom trying to have some good life for me and her but he always..ALWAYS ruins that and makes my mom chase after him. not once he ever tried to raise me or be in life. it was just all about him keeping my mom in his leash, manipulating and using her. after my mom got knocked up he changed his mind of keeping my mom in his “ties” as to what he refers. im glad my mother is now married to someone who was more of a father to me than he was.
he says he has no other children but i think hes hiding alot of old skeletons in the closet. if he can do that to my mom, im sure he has done that to many other women considering he changes girlfriends so much sometimes even date multiple at once. he likes to keep them around and ive noticed of patterns that he dates them for the benefit of something.
im only 20 yrs old but til to this day, he still refuses to be a responsible father.
i never knew all bout this til just now. i never knew theres such thing as a reproductive abuser and im sure as hell my father is guilty 100%. he used my mother for something and he uses other women for something either be money, status, business etc etc etc
Wow….. after reading this you really enlightened me, but not about what you think. You enlightened me as to how stupid some people really are. First off, if you’re taking a cause because the idiot box told you to, you’re clearly not that bright. Second off, your article is completely flawed and sexist. Women are far worse reproductive abusers than men, the only issue is that men may never even know they have a child in the world. But the fact that you completely failed to mention that really shows how sexist you are. Third, the “victims” of reproductive abuse are usually morons who allow themselves to be abused. I’m sorry, but if you’re a woman and you let some guy mess with your birth control and still have sex with him, you’re a half-wit not worthy of children anyway. Accept responsibility instead of blaming everyone else. And finally, if the man does take advantage of a woman and gets her pregnant, that’s not a crime, nor should it be (when you have consensual sex you are accepting the possible consequences). If he abandons her and the child that’s a different story entirely, but you can’t assume the two are correlated, and the idea of a reproductive “abuser” is flawed in that sense. Blame the deadbeats, get mad at them, that’s fine. They left a woman to raise a child which is his too.
I agree with you. Women are the worst RA ever. They control their pregnancies. Men have no idea how and what the female reproductive cycle is.
This episode (I’m watching right now). Finds it bizaree that there are men who’d purposely get women pregnant just to have kids.
Women do it all the time. It’s not a child, it’s a choice.
There are no fewer than 3 women I’d have gotten pregnant just to keep them in my life. Cause I’m a loser and my life sucks 😦
Christina
Alicia
Shi Rui
It bothers me when I see men cheat on women after they’ve concieved. I’d give anything for just one of the girls I was in love with.
A “male” has only one obligation- to impregnate a female.
When you add all the social constructs and societal layers to this, you get love, marriage etc.
I don’t hate women.
I have been victimized by one, now that you mention this term. First pregnancy came when I was set to leave to basic training. Second, was when he was leaving to basic training, he threw away my contraceptive pills. The third was with another women when he was set to be deployed. The other, I just recently found out of, which was born in the middle of my first and second. He tried convincing me for another earlier this year, fortunetly, i was strong enough to say no. There are charming bastards
So, only men can be “repruductive abusers” as I understand from your article, following the common feminist belief that women are anable or wrong doing. Yet, laying about taking contraceptives to get pregnant by a boyfriend or husband, as long as my experience goes, is far more common that the cases you have been commenting on, yet there is no mention of that “abuse” which normally ends with a large financial burden on the victim as well a life long full of heart ache and complications.
why can’t the term reproductive coercion be reversed?? I am currently facing a young girl, 17 yo, refusing to complete high school, who has already screamed pregnancy, stating that my 18 yo son is the father. He has asked her to get birth control, and I have BEGGED her mother to take her for depo provera shots, because she has a history of lying-and i’m pretty sure would refuse to take her contraceptive pills. My son’s father and myself have provided an endless supply of condoms-only to suspect that SHE is punching holes n them while still in the package!!!! I noticed this while looking in my son’s wallet to see if he had money for gas to get to work-neither her nor there-she has scared my son several times with pregnancy cries over the last 3 months!! My son has a brilliant future he works and will be enrolled in our local community college in January. He is MORE than angry-as am I!!! She is claiming pregnancy now-her last test was negative, but was advised to retest in 2 weeks. Where are my son’s rights?????
I smile, my daughters smile at me.Smiles but no fun for me.No excuses,Masters and higher success for us all. Chin up self & my lil soldiers.
Enduring years of weekly rapes,tears,fears&no work.Through ten(+) miscarriages&abortions from him I came out with one daughter. 20yrs. later my daughter has 30(+) living sisters & brothers from one man.Dec. 2012 his youngest being 3 yrs. old. His old tricks has not stopped.There are at least 10(+) baby mothers beside myself (13&14yr. olds are not off limits as his surrogates).From past to present experience ” just say NO “,does not work especially with serial Reproductive abusers.
When you don’t scream cause no one will come, it does not seem like rape but it feels that way. It is!!! It confuses your mental stability to be on constant alert. Not safe in your own home. My youngest, not his is 13yrs. old. A chance meeting earlier this year has steered his lurking again.i fear 4 my safety(sanity) now!!! SOS to all abandoned “wards of the court” 30yr Alumni – I need a continual massive support system- no little is too little-
Hi my name is Cody I’m 21 years old. I see a lot of similarities in my father as u were describing he has 12 different kids that I know of he has nothing to do with anyone of them. I don’t know what to do it needs to stop but he never will.
I just saw this SVU episode and died laughing – I question if this is a real thing..
Of course women are capable of being reproductive abusers!! I find it absurd that people think otherwise.
When one says women can’t be RAs because they are left with the children, you are ascribing normal parenting approaches to someone who is irrational.
Those women think of parenting as a means to an end once the guy decides not to stay with them. Think Fatal Attraction except the child is wielded as the weapon.
I think the husband of Andrea Yates was a reproductive abuser. But we were so focused on her horrible actions that we didn’t spend enough time focused on her husband. His actions were swept under the rug as he was the grieving father.
Women have Long been guilty of reproductive abuse also. Reproduction or pregnancy has long been used as a powerful way to manipulate men into marriage. In this case of men using reproductive abuse, it is time someone recognized it and brought attention to the issue.
This is not something that men alone are guilty of. Women do this kind of thing a lot. They lie about or stop taking their birth control, they poke holes in condoms and diaphragms (when they were in use) and even steal men’s semen to inseminate themselves.